My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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