i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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