she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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