I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
