I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I want her autograph on my taint
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
