I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
