I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
