matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
