I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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