My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
