There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
