Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
two words: eviction party
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
