You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
