you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
