Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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