Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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