I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
