Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
