i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize