Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
