Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
