I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
