awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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