: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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