hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
