He had one of those small greek statue penises
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
the liver wants what the liver wants
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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