The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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