Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
