How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
