My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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