The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
