Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
