TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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