So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
