yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
