I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
