omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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