It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
