I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
