ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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