Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
