between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
