Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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