dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
