I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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