he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
