well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
