call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
