I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
