Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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