apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
