I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
