I just saw a hot homeless man
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
