i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
