I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
