Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
