I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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