WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize